Pass that dutch

As we enter college, it almost seems as we enter a new world, where anything is possible. So limitless, so free, and so full of sensory details. Lately, I have realized that I have been on en emotional rollercoaster since I have arrived at my new home- even without finding the people I have, the sheer change in location and llifestyle is exciting and enticing. So much to do all teh time, so much to worry about, so much to look forward to. Recently, I have been on complete sensory overload- weather changing, constantly being social withion the dorm, new faces, new buildings, new teachers, new town, no parents, so much has happened, I still dont know where to place it all....

...another thing that most people try in college is drinking. However, I dunno, I just dont see any rela benefits from it. Some people do it to have fun, but at a University with over 40000 people, over a thousand clubs and activities, school, and multiple events going on, I find it difficult to not enjoy whatever I'm doing. I dunno, I'm usually having fun no matter what I'm doing, so maybe thats why teh whole idea of getting trashed doesnt appeal to me. And its not like I avoid it all together- if you did that, you would never get to know anyone and live, basically, in a fake world. I just choose not to participate in the drinking part- the people just end up doing things they wouldnt normally do, and why would you wanna do that? After all, why would you wanna be something other than yourself? I dunno, im sure ill still have my 21 shots when i turn 21 and drink wine, but the whole scene just seems counterproductive...and rather foolish. Some people can control it, and thats cool. But when they cant, they just look really stupid...plus, alcohol lowers your sexual pleasure, and who would ever want bad sex?lol

....another thing i have done is get down to the grit.. i need to study more. my grades are suffereing pretty hard core, mostly at teh expense of a lab TA whos the biggest bitch ever. Oh well, guess when life throws u a lemon, ya gotta make lemonade,,...

So thanksgiving is coming up soon wahoo! plans for scrapbooking, talking to Al endlessly including about 3 sleepovers, and a trip with my mom and sis downtown, not to mention real food.... ah, so good... another thing, food here is so bad, i lose my appetite all together. it kinda sux...o well, mayb ill get skinny,..lol

..and now a few words from xtina...

they say if you love something let it go

if it comes back, it shows its for keeps, yeah, its for sure, when ur ready ur willing to give me more:)

luv yall and i cant wait 2 c u!

hey leave a shout out for a waffle breakfast during thanksgiving tool... what day is best?

-KAT^..^

If anything, college is overbearing at the current point. With just ending softball, my sutides and all the work ive been puttnig off finally has come around full throttle. Or maybe I have made it come that way. or maybe i just anguish at the thought of having to sit in the background once again while i wait for what i want.....

NOnetheless, while talking to my fav whore, i came upon what i think is a rather profound thought. previously, (all relationships beofre david) relaitonships had mostly become a dependency upon which to place my own self-esteem. okay, this may sound weird, but i felt the need to hear that i am special, that i am beuatioful, etc.. jsut as any human being does. however, to invest so much control in another person, to give them control over your self esteem, is dangerous. it is horrible- it is deceiving. to make sure i wasnt still doing that, i had to get myself out of relaitonships all together, thus breaking off the seemingly perfect relationship with david. i was pleased and surprised to find out that i had- i had formed my own self-esteem, and without the input and reliance of putting it on anohter person. as anyone can see, investing this much power within another person had caused pain, and relatively unhealthy relationships. however, after finding my own sense of self esteem, my own confidence, i actually had a good one. but i just had to make sure...

but nonetheless, a year came and went, and it was great. senior year was everything it should have been- great friends, great times. just not relationship ready, bcuz the futuer was so undetermined. however, then college came. i was ready. i am ready. i dont need someone to build up my self-esteem, i am completrely comfortable with myself, thank you very much. so a healthy relationship seems to have developed... but then suddnely, gone away. unexpectedly. so good, so soon, so perfect. im still perplexed, but i know that if i wait it out, it will workk out. i have faith. so now i will just concentrate on who i can be, and hope that he wants to share in that too... well, haha that was happy. anyways, happy halloween in the next week! yay! NEST WEEKEND wil rock@

-KAT^..^ 

It seems like the more you want something, the lest likely you are to get it. No matter how well you make everything go, it just crumbles down into pieces you never wanted to see. And its not even my fault. o well, fuck me for making myself vulnerable...shit....

OK, so what here is right? I feel like I've entered the world in a fantasy, in a dream, in a place where I will never be let go, let down, or left alone, yet I am bound to clasp to my realistic side and realize that it will. It will, more probably than not, end....

I know, I have become the most ridiculously and meticulously anal and cynical person about relationships in general, but I feel like I can't be that way anymore. I dont want to be that way anymore...

So on the first day of school, I walked in and was astounded by him. I thought he'd be one of those ass-hole guys who just happened to be smart. I never thought I'd end up waking up next to him....

(this sounds worse than it is, and, no, i havent changed my opinion on abstinence)...lol....

But in all seriuosness, what difference does it make if you kiss a person 8 months after you have dated them instead of 2 weeks before you actually have had a date with them? Is there really a risk in the relaitonship if it moves like that? I used to have such a specific level of dont do this til this point in the relationship, but lately I have thrown all the rules out the window. And it feels so good, yet it is so strange for me. Im logical, yet not totally shunning the entire fantastical world and i dont sacrafice my imagination.

But I also usually dont do this....but at the same time, nothing has felt more right. Whats even more right is that this isnt normal for him, either. What makes it even better is that I have never been so open abot feelings with someone, and never have shared so many stories, or felt so, I dunno i feel like I've known him forever. I trust him- I want to trust him- so I do. Yet the little voice in my head saying "be careful with ur emotions, Kat, you've worked this hard to pull it all together- dont risk it" keeps coming out....

Yet I continuously submit them to the back of my mind because although I am usually rational, this is the best thing ever. maybe its been awhile. Maybe this really is just that good. All I know right now is that I could never have found a better match, I feel so blessed and just konwing that I dunno, I am ready to finally (gulp) have an actual relationship that involves seeing the person and actually (gulp again) letting them get (triple gulp) CLOSE TO ME...

I guess my only question is: how close is too close?

....cuz it never feels close enough....:)

-KAT

Ok, so I guess I should update for all of those who worry about me day and nite...lol... dont lie, u know u dont....lol...Its okay, tho. So I just got back from my first chem exam. It was a load of shit- there r questions on the exam that purposely have the right answer in the wrong context and the right answer is the wrong answer but it isnt becasue its the right one, when really the right one is the wrong one only because the previous knowledge you have tells you that it is the right one. nonetheless, I'll b pissed if I dont do well in htat class esp, since it has been going well so far...

So this week is a crazy week of exams everyday and I already had 3 and now i have my hardest one tomorrow, and that should b interesting, considering my math prof is crazy, but we all love him neways....

But what is really going to be good is after teh math test... I am going on a date:) with (as previuosly mentioned, myself in male form) Kyle, who is a sweeite. all yous back home gotta meet him, cuz he is scrumptious:) . I dont know how to describe our relationship or how i feel about him, so Ill just use the ever popular THIS FUCKING ROCKS THE HOUSE! Ive only really been "hanging out" with him for two weeks, but wow, things have gotten amaing, they started amazing, and tomorrow nite will b phenomenal. and thats all i can pretty much think about rite now, so im gonna go run b4 i come in my shorts....lol.. im jk, but really, he is wonderful... so ill go run, and i just wanted to update fast, and let everyone get a lilpiece of this sweet ass action:),,..

-KAT^..^